23 and the Longing in Me

My eyes water while writing this, maybe because it’s one of those things that has been trapped for so long and I’m finally allowing it to be set free.

I’ve learned so much about myself in the past year and some change. Everything I understood completely flipped, and that was a huge adjustment of unlearning. I didn’t think I’d get to this point. But now. Now my soul is calling for a long-awaited change.

I get upset at myself because I get in my head and create reasons why I shouldn’t take this next step. What will it mean for all the certainty I know? It’ll be completely gone. But maybe that’s where peace lies. Or excitement for life. In the unknown.

I love my city, and sometimes I wish I saw it the way tourists or newcomers see it. The beaming light in their eyes when they see something I’ve seen all my life. In reality, I walk past it every day. I have access to it every week. I want to feel that sense of excitement again. But it doesn’t reside here with me anymore.

One half of me fights with the other. Stay with what you know. While the other half of me shouts, please go.

I watch videos of myself from years ago on my YouTube, speaking about how the mind is not your friend, something my therapist tells me every session. I say in that video how the mind will hold you back from exploring different parts of life because it goes with what it knows. But just because it knows something doesn’t mean it’s the right choice.

Maybe staying here for as long as I have was the answer. Maybe I was supposed to experience all that I have. But I know there is so much more to be seen.

I sit here cross-legged typing this, physically and in my head. I’ve thought about this one thing being let out and released, but if I did that, it wouldn’t just be a thought or a want anymore. It would be a reality I have to face. Because that ache would crawl up my throat, and the tears would have no choice but to flow.

I need to go.

I’m scared, and I don’t know how I’ll do it. But I have to answer my soul.

If you struggle with this same thing, please comment below because you aren’t alone. And I know I’m not the only one reading this who feels this way. Who has this growing ache calling out to them.

Thank you for reading this entry in my digital diary.

Yours truly,

Davyne