23 and Choosing me

Here I am again because there is this irritating pressure in my head to keep going, and my body has no choice but to follow suit and push itself. Even though it is screaming at me to stop and take a break, I keep going anyway. I feel that overwhelming energy and push forward like a madman.

But this is such a dangerous cycle to put yourself through.

If you have watched Owning Manhattan, the boss character Ryan Serhant does exactly this, and I empathize with him. At the same time, I find myself yelling at the screen, telling him to stop, to take a break, and reminding him that it is okay and that things take time (yes, I'm talking to the tv, no I'm not crazy, I know you do it too). That is the rational side of my brain. The kind side.

But the other side takes over when I am flooded with overwhelming energy. That voice says, “If you really want it, you will not stop. Someone else out there wants it too, and they will not stop. They will get it.”

As I type this right now, I am actively telling that voice to shut the hell up. I am allowed to take a break.

The people we look up to today, the ones who are recognized by their laugh, their voice, or their face, kept trying and never gave up. But that is just it. You continue to try, and in the middle of that, you give yourself grace. You stop and listen to what your body wants. Because in order to fulfill what your soul wants, you need a functioning body. One that can show up and perform at its full potential.

Another thing I have realized is that these voices are not mine.

People throughout my life, both close to me and complete outsiders who do not even know me, have told me what I am doing wrong or what I could be doing better. Over time, I have learned to step away and remind myself, respectfully, that they do not know what they are talking about. They are not even seeing a quarter of what is actually going on, yet they judge the entire picture.

That being said, I am not opposed to feedback or criticism. I have simply learned how to tell when it is about me and when it is about them projecting onto me. There is a difference. Learning that has brought me so much peace, because on top of the pressure I already put on myself, I do not need others adding to it.

In the past, I would break. Now, I just walk away.

So in moments like this, I choose to defeat those voices that whisper judgments and disapproval. I walk away because it is not mine to carry.

In grade school, we were taught to walk away from our bully and tell an adult. We all laughed at that idea and thought "that’s unrealistic I’m going to get my ass kicked." But bullying changes as you grow up. You start to absorb what others say about you, and eventually, you become your own bully.

You tell yourself that you are not pretty enough, smart enough, or worthy enough. You label yourself with words like lazy or overachiever. You set expectations either so low that you do not try, or so high that not even the Green Giant could reach them.

Why do we do this?

Look at how things are set up as we grow up. Resumes literally require you to list your best qualities. Naturally, that makes you think of your worst ones too. Then you are either accepted or rejected. Sometimes it is not even based on skill, but on character. “Personality hire” ring a bell?

This is how you defeat those expectations and sly remarks people place on you. You listen to the sweet side of yourself. Energy tells all. When you feel it shift, find the tool that grounds you and run to it the moment you sense that energy building. Release what was placed onto you. Get it out of your body.

Because it is not yours, and it never was.

Now that I have released this by writing it, and hopefully helped someone along the way, I am going to listen to my body. I am going to take a break and just be. (yes, that means watching Hannah Montana, sweet niblets).

You do not need to earn a break. That is the beautiful part of life. You get to choose one whenever you want.